| Author | Message | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2629 Registered: 12-2004 |
The Asian Girl on Ventnor Rocks In black leather jacket, short skirt, feet drawn up, she's a tidy siren by orange lobster and crab pots in the cove below the cliff path. In cool October breeze, she licks cerise lips as the sea rolls in, sucking shingle, shanghaing kelp: the deep, cold shimmering Channel, host to Cherbourg- bound ferries, kayakers, her pale cheeks' sheen. Her Shadwell boyfriend grunts and tugs his plunging, stout fishing rod, seduces a thrashing mackerel, forgoes the girl in conquest's throes. Christopher T. George (Message edited by Chrisgeorge on October 21, 2005) Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ | ||
| Morgan Lafay
Intermediate Member Username: morganlafay Post Number: 588 Registered: 08-2005 |
A stinky mackerel over a tidy siren? That guy was nuts! Nice little piece Chris. | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2638 Registered: 12-2004 |
Thanks, Morgan. Yes she is a nice little piece.  Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 2934 Registered: 07-2003 |
Hi Chris, for me the couplets did not help the flow here, nicely written though - perhaps try another format? | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1304 Registered: 11-2003 |
I like this as well Chris, not sure about the format, nor the title, which seems sort not in your vernacular, but hey, could be me but I enjoyed as usual laurie | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2641 Registered: 12-2004 |
Thanks, Zeph & Laurie. I had it in quatrains but that seemed a bit dense, and somehow feel the spaced-out arrangement suits what I want to say. Also will give more thought to the title, thanks, Laurie. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2020 Registered: 08-2003 |
The title my only complaint. Otherwise a shapely saunter of eroticism. Much enjoyed. E | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2642 Registered: 12-2004 |
Thanks, E. Would "Chinese Girl on the Ventnor Rocks" or something similar be better? I realize that in using "Asian" I am being imprecise since Asian could imply Indian or Middle-Eastern. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5278 Registered: 07-2001 |
In cool October breeze, she licks cerise lips as the sea rolls in, sucking shingle, shanghaing kelp: the deep, cold shimmering Channel, host to Cherbourg- bound ferries, kayakers, her pale cheeks' sheen. my favorite parts. I like the couplets, to me it works with the white space. I would put an a before cool in the first line above, but that is a small thing. Title - Chinese better, but perhaps An Immigrant on Ventor Rocks Watches her Boyo Fish (though Boyo is probably not right) Smiles. Gary The Eye of the Coming Storm http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1310 Registered: 11-2003 |
I think you should be specific korean chinese japanese whatever thanks laurie | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5565 Registered: 11-1998 |
I think this guy's in trouble, Chris. Tell 'im never forego the girl! Ah, you guys and your conquests. Sometimes I think you forget what the goal is. *LOL* The only word that I stumbled over was in this line: "shanghaing kelp" I don't know if the word shanghai is comfortable with that -ing on the end (BTW -- you missed an "i" -- shanghaiing). Anyway, it's a mouthful. Maybe the wording could be massaged to eliminate the -ing? | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2654 Registered: 12-2004 |
Thanks, M, Laurie, and Gary, for your useful input. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3160 Registered: 07-2002 |
Chris--I stumbled where M did as well. Otherwise a very engaging read. And I'm not sure I'd change the title--it gave me the sense of the narrator as vieweing the scene from a distance. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2028 Registered: 08-2003 |
Agree with Laurie, Chris on getting specific. I almost wish I knew what city she was from. Girl from Kyoto on Ventnor Rocks. E | ||
| michael julius sottak
Advanced Member Username: julius Post Number: 1677 Registered: 12-2003 |
oh, Boyo, Chris... can you tell the difference? Chinese women, flat, flat. Japanese well rounded & firm, ahhh...ly appointed... Korean, high cheeks, & ugly or mesmerizingly beautiful... Thai...well let's just say a prayer for all the Brits, Krauts and Cowboys that never came home... After living in Hong Kong awhile, I find the title quite apropos... most of the asian women who migrate there are looking for a new identity, yet can't hide their roots... keep the title as is...i think it falls well into a casual, yet striking, observance on the sunday afternoon stroll. To moniker her " the girl from Kyoto" implies some sort of intimacy i don't read into this piece... which made me smile, amigo... (and we are not far from calling each other people, rather than spics, chinks, nigs, honkies, and whatever else you can conjur up... it's happening & it's for the better) enjoyed as always, your wit | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2656 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Lisa, E, and Julius Thanks for your various reactions as to whether to be more specific than Asian. Julius, I rather like your approach, that the world is becoming a melting pot, and after all I didn't know where she was from... I just saw her on the rocks and was curious, thus the poem. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ |
